Goopy loopy nuts are we

• Coach owner Tapestry acquired Versace, Michael Kors and Jimmy Choo in a $8.5 billion deal.
• Singer-songwriter Sixto Rodriguez, rediscovered in 2012 in the award-winning documentary Searching for Sugarman, died aged 81.
• A £49 limited edition “Weird Barbie” was launched by Mattel.

Gwyneth Platrow’s going viral again – this time parading the contents of her fridge online, putting her house on Airbnb and, ironically, announcing a social media hiatus. “Taking this full-moon energy with me as I go into a social media break,” she posted on Instagram. “Going to work on being present. Happy summer.” 

Less prominent but more lucrative was Paltrow’s Gucci x goop garden party in the Hamptons at the end of July. Mattia Agazzi, chef at the Michelin-starred Gucci Osteria da Massimo Bottura in Beverly Hills provided the artichoke salad, baked cod and zesty strawberry and lemon Italian ice dessert. Gwyneth, as we know, is very clear on menus, previously insisting she would “rather die than let my child eat Cup-a-Soup”. 

So what? Paltrow’s goop reported the dinner with click-to-buy links: “hosted by Gwyneth (in a chic Gucci two-piece set and rumpled, beachy waves) and her longtime friend, stylist Elizabeth Saltzman (in a sleek navy Gucci sweater), the party was a small family-and-friends affair: Apple Martin (in G. Label, with her shoes and bag by Gucci), Brad Falchuk (in Gucci), and Blythe Danner (in a Gucci dress and scarf) mixed with friends like Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld (she in G. Label), Jodie Comer (in a Gucci top, pants, and sandals), Jimmy Fallon (in Gucci), and goop Podcast cohost and poet Cleo Wade (in Gucci).” Gucci sponsors a dinner party and the host’s business offers click-through e-commerce links for readers to shop the look. It’s a whole new celebrity shill. 

“I can monetise those eyeballs,” Gwyneth told students at Harvard Business School in 2018 and goop is her key monetising vehicle. Launched as a newsletter in 2009, it’s now a sprawling enterprise that incorporates womenswear, beauty, ready meals and sex aids. It’s received three rounds of VC funding, the most recent in 2019. This valued the company at $250 million, according to industry bible PitchBook, although goop insists its value is $390 million. Investors include blue chip VCs Greycroft, which backed Venmo and Maker Studios, and Lightspeed, which backed Snapchat and Giphy. They will want to exit… so how is goop doing?

Not quite Tony Stark. Founded in London, the privately held company’s accounts were available at Companies House until goop left the UK at the start of this year after its London store lost £1.4 million. US privately held companies don’t publish accounts so it’s hard to get accurate numbers. Online estimates range from $18 million to $103.4 million for 2022 turnover. The spectacularly well-sourced fashion journalist Lauren Sherman prefers the latter number, although she reported on 3 August that goop still isn’t profitable. “Paltrow knows that goop needs to make more money than it currently does in order to attract an attractive buyer,” said Sherman. “But she also knows that the occasional six- or seven-figure check isn’t going to multiply goop’s $100 million a year in sales.”

G-oops. In 2018 goop was fined $145,000 for claiming a $66 jade egg intended for integumental insertion could “balance hormones, regulate menstrual cycles, prevent uterine prolapse, and increase bladder control.” Gynaecologist Dr Jen Gunter suggested it would be more likely to cause toxic shock syndrome. 

Sliding doors. Gwyneth is hedging her bets. Or diversifying, like any smart micro-economy over-reliant on one resource. She acquired an extra 30,000 class A shares in the high-end fashion rental brand Rent the Runway in July, according to SEC filings, having joined the company’s board just before its $1.7 billion IPO in October 2021. This spring, her VC firm Kinship Ventures raised $75 million for its debut fund. Her personal investments in 15 start-ups include many goop advertisers and e-commerce partners, like haircare product Crown Affair, Black-owned beauty brand Ami Cole and hip specs company Caddis. Her investing advice page on goop includes the relevant click-to-buy links. 

But in the end… Goop’s hero product is of course Gwyneth. At 50 – more than ever – she exudes what the FT calls a “mix of Cali-woo-woo and patrician East Coast privilege” that is the essence of her brand. Unlike her investors, she can’t exit. If she did, who would buy her poontang-scented candles?

An Oscar-winning performance. Gwyneth quit acting in 2019, but you’d be forgiven for not noticing.